If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
