I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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