sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
