the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
