dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize