I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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