im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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