youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
