Old men and throwing up are my life now.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
