my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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