he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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