I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize
