when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
