Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
