You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
