There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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