No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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