can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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