Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
