Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
