glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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