People in love make me want to vomit
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
