Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
