My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
