I think my fart just growled at me.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me