It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
