I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
