You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
