you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Randomize
