I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
