my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
