Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
He did a backflip because drugs
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
