you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
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Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
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No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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