I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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