Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
