I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
