WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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