Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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