he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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