dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
