I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
