Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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