That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
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ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
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I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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