Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
