Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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