end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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