You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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