you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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