I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
