And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
