i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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