I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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