I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
