i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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