I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
