Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
