Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize