I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
